so, what do i do?

After posting about my official extended singleness and then about a battle with Envy recently, I decided to explore the topic a little more this week.  The thing is, I now know coveting is not good. But what about longing--a strong persistant desire?

It wasn't too long ago that I was void of all longings for marriage.
At about the age of 16 or 17, God convicted me of desiring marriage and
motherhood more than desiring Him.  I repented of this, and He simply
lifted the desire from my h
eart.  Early in my college years, I
struggled once with a friend getting engaged, and God just laid it out
for me:  He was a good God who gave good gifts.  Marriage was a gift;
singleness was a gift.  I should celebrate my own gift, and celebrate
with others when He gifts them with marriage.  This perspective helped
me handle all the future college engagements I would be exposed to. 

Like I have mentioned before, I have never truly dated.  In high school, I always assumed I'd get married in college--just like my mom and dad did.  But, college came and went without even a single date.  But, I didn't really notice.  I was content with serving the Lord and growing closer to Him.

So, for about ten years, I was content. 
No dating, no courting, no beaus, no worries.  I was happy learning and growing.  I enjoyed knowing more about the Bible and how to apply it to my life. I learned more about what praise, prayer, and servant leadership meant in practice.

But then . . . sometime within the past year . . . the desire to be a
wife and a mother returned.  And it came back strong!  In her book,
Carolyn compares the growing of this desire to an alarm clock that gets
louder with every beep.  Mine wasn't a soft beep that slowly grew into a louder beep; mine was the kind that has two bells on the side and suddenly blasts into the air out of seemingly no where.

So, what do I do with it? 

First, I acknowledge that it is there---that was actually a huge step for me. Then I must look at what this means.  It could mean that even the longings are sin--that I have taken back what I gave to God.  That I no longer acknowledge his Lordship in my life.  --OR-- It could be that since He is the one who gives desires that He is preparing me for something new.  Getting my heart ready for what is further along in this unknown path. --OR-- Maybe I am just at a point in the path where God is teaching me more about Him and His grace and is using these longings to do the teaching.

So, what can I do? 

I give it back to the One from which it came.  I am honest with Him about what I am feeling and experiencing.  I place my hope in Him alone.  I think there is a difference between desire and coveting.  After I prayed and asked Him to give me discernment about this new desire, as long as He doesn't say "amanda, this desire not from Me. My gift for you is singleness,"  I must guard against coveting but not squelsh the desire--a very fine line to walk.

You know, I'll be honest with ya, as long as the word I had from the Lord was "be single.  Serve me best right now by remaining unmarried." Life was easier.  No date = no worries because I knew God's best was for me to be single.  It wasn't rejection because no one found me attractive--it was obedience.  But, now, if things have changed and marriage is down the road . . . it is much easier to worry about what is wrong with me if no one pursues me.  Much easier to doubt God's soverginity and try to control things myself.

And, to be even more honest, it was easier to allow God to be God.  As long as the word I had from the Lord was to "be single" it was all good because "I" can do that.  "I" can control that.  I am thankful for His help in taking away the desires for ten years; I am thankful for His protection, guidance and grace these ten years.  But, really, it was much easier than where I am now because I didn't have to trust Him with a hope deferred--because there was nothing to hope for before. 

So, what do I do?

Well, I found an excellent book and read it.  In this book, Carolyn McCulley points single women to the Proverbs 31 woman.  Carolyn reminds us that we don't need to wait for a wedding day for our "real life" to begin.  We are to live life now.  She takes a look at each character trait of the Proverbs 31 woman and discusses how we, as single women, can cultivate that trait in our lives right now.  Excellent wisdom.  (I highly reccomend this book to all female members of the extended singleness club.)

Right now, at this moment,  God's will for me is to be single--and He knows why; He also knows whether this will ever change or not. 

So, what am I supposed to do?

I live my life enjoying Him, glorifing Him, and trusting Him that if it is His will one day I will be interrupted.