i want to be a mommy

(I know nothing about Kellie Coffey except for this song.)

Many women in my family (including me) have PCOS, which is the leading cause of infertility in women.  1 in 10 women have it. 

The powerful emotion that this song evokes causes tears to stream down my face.  I long to have a family, to be a wife, to be a mom . . . this singer has tapped into my heart of hearts, but even she has more than I do.  She has a "husband to love." 

It would be so easy to be bitter and envious.

But you know . . . in reality--in the nitty-gritty-in-your-face-this-is-life reality--I would still choose to be single and childless if it means God is better glorified in my life.  Oh, make no mistake, being a wife and a mother is something I really, really want!!!  But glorifying God is something I want even more.  (Clarification: Not that he wouldn't be glorified if I became a wife and a mom, but only He who knows how he can best be glorified in my life.)

Tears continue to fall.

He is all-powerful--He can do what he wants when he wants. 

He is all-good--He is a gracious, loving Father who gives good gifts and keeps his promises.  He has met my greatest need of all and blessed me way beyond I deserve. 

What right do I have to be bitter or envious?  None whatsoever.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
(Psalm 73:25)

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from
the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to
(James 1:17)

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

Two Additional Thoughts
First, you know what else? Even though her song is powerful and brings tears to my eyes each time I watch it, I am not sure I would be willing to die in order to become a wife and a mom.  Namely, the pragmatics of it just don't make sense.  If I died to become a wife or a mom, well then I can't really be a wife or a mom now can I?  I'd be dead. 

Second, after I first heard this song . . . I later thought about the One who HAS died for me.  . . it is humbling.  I am grateful for His tender loving mercy and everlasting grace.  How undeserving I am!  . . . yes, the tears are falling again.


  1. Powerful message in this song. We were one of those 1 in 10 couples unable to conceive. The turning point for us was when we ceased to strive and just let go of the whole ordeal to the Lord, resting in whatever He chose for us. In his good time, God made the impossible possible. Fifteen years ago our lives were forever changed by God stepping in to answer our prayers. We became foster parents for a tiny baby and eventually adopted that precious baby as our son. A few years later his sister came along and we adopted her too. Hudson Taylor once said, "God always gives his best to those who leave the choice up to Him." We believe it.
    BTW--I linked to your "Attitude" post over at my blog. Thanks for some good material.

  2. Amanda, wow, that would be heartbreaking. i am so sorry. And although it is perfectly OK and healthy to let the tears come, I know you know God has a great plan for your life. All of those college girls you help to 'mother' and bring up for God are shining jewels in your crown girl!

  3. what a powerful song and video...I'm a mom and it may me bawl!
    Your attitude about it all is God-glorifying. At this point in your life, you're singing your own child-bearing song...
    Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord. Isaiah 54:1

  4. What a powerful message in that song!

  5. Yep, I started to tear up too! It is just one more example of just how devastating the effects of sin are in the world- even those things which are natural and should bring joy are marred- for those who can't have children and often for those who can as well.

  6. @Guy: It is always good to hear about how God blesses his children as they wait upon him. Thanks too for the link.
    @Leslie: Thanks for the verse--it brought tears back to my eyes.
    Thanks to everyone else for sharing thoughts and comments. God is so good. I am thankful he understands my heart of hearts and hears my every cry.

  7. I can soo understand the longings. I'm sorry you have to deal with pcos on top of that, as well. It's hard to just accept the fact that if/when it's right & meant to be, it will happen. You do seem to be very maternal towards your friends & family, but I know that's not the same!

  8. What a poignant song.
    I know what it is like to deal with PCOS. For my husband and I, pregnancy has never occurred. It was a blessing from God that prior to marriage, we already knew we wanted to adopt one day. Now we have three children whom God has given to us for a time to raise for His glory.
    I love the Hudson Taylor quote in the comment above. I have lurked on your blog at various times and it so freqently is apparent that God is using you for His glory, completing a good work in you.
    Might I also say that, while I love my family and know this is what God called me to, there is a freedom to serve in singleness that is wholehearted.
    I pray God will continue to direct your path. Grace and peace to you.

  9. Hi Amanda,
    I'm in TW too, in Hsinchu. Have a great time with your cousins!
    You are a great blogger, and I have appreciated your depth and wisdom. The song is truly heart wrenching.

  10. Vote for Amanda daily


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