my 爸爸

You will have to work long and hard to convince me that my 爸爸 (pronounced baba, daddy) is not the best dad in the world.  (In other words, he is.) :)

I love my daddy with my whole heart.  He is one amazing man. 

One of the things I admire most about my father is that he is man enough to admit he is wrong.  Now, it doesn't happen often--that he is wrong, I mean--but when it does, he admits it and asks for forgiveness. 

I remember back in high school, my sister competed in track and basketball.  I, on the other hand, was into journalism and peer leadership programs.  My dad was able to go to Sarah's games and track meets.  He cheered her on and even kept score for the team.  I was jealous.  I wanted his attention too.  I told my mom about how much it hurt me that Daddy spent more time with Sarah because she was into sports, how he gave all his time and attention to her, but wouldn't even ask me about my activities.  You know what my wise mother told me?  "You have to tell him.  He doesn't know you feel this way."

So, I told him.  Right then he admitted that he had no idea I felt that way.  I told him that I understood that he couldn't come cheer me on as I designed the yearbook or tutored younger kids, but I would like for him to at least show interest in the things that I did.  He said he was sorry.  BUT, that is not the end of it.  Within the next week, he came to me and asked me specifically "so, how was peer leadership today?"  Oh, me and my daddy have had numerous conversations, but that is one I will never forget.  It's always been that way with him.  He doesn't just say "sorry" . . . he actually changes his behavior too.  Now that is a real man.

Another thing I admire about him is the way he loves his wife.  Once, my sister was having a disrespectful teen moment (like we all have had). While she was in the midst of yelling at our mom, our dad came into the living room and said, "you will not talk to my wife that way.  Go to your room now."  Mom, Dad, Sarah--they've all forgotten that moment.  But, I never will.  The fact that he choose to say "my wife" and not "your mother" spoke volumes to me at that moment. 

I also like that they are not afraid to show their affection for each other in front of us.  They love each other, and it shows.  I like that a lot.

I love the way my dad crafts words.  He is a wordsmith.  He is not "chatty"--so when he does speak, trust me, it is worth listening to.

My dad studies to prove himself as one who accurately handles the Word of Truth (2 Timothy 2:15).  He knows what he believes and knows why he believes it, but he not close-minded--a rare and delicate balance.  He is not afraid to think outside the box or to challenge the status quo.  My dad was not only my dad but also my pastor for the first 20 something years of my life.  Have you ever had one pastor that long?  Well, let me tell you, after having an excellent pastor that long it is really, really hard to find another one that meets the standard the first one set.

I love that my daddy will take time to spend with me and talk with me.  He values me and my opinions.  I love that he will share with me the things he is thinking about and pondering.  When I went home for my sister's wedding, I didn't really get to spend much time with him, but I rode home from the D/FW area to the Austin area with him in his truck.  While we were talking, he accidentally missed a turn and added an hour to our trip--I'm glad he did.  It gave me one more hour of alone time to talk to my daddy. 

Actually, me and my daddy are quite a bit alike.  And, I like that too. 

If I didn't know differently, I would like that he was the one who hung the moon.  I know my father is not perfect.  I know he has flaws, but as far as earthly fathers go, I really, really love, admire, and respect mine more than mere words can express.

Below are two pics of me and my daddy from approximately 26 years ago:

 

Happy Father's Day, Dad!!  I love you.

my living room smiled at me

Wednesday night I as I wiped off some sticky from my coffee table and then some other sticky substance from my laptop, I started composing in my head.  Life with a 12 year old is sticky.

I had a long day at school Thursday, I started to dread going home filled with puppy dog and little boy clutter everywhere.  I wanted to go home and just relax.  Well, when I got home, there was my brother at the door waiting for me, he opened the door and it smelled. 

It smelled like Pine Scented Lysol. :) Sam had cleaned up all the clutter.  He had swept, vacuumed, and mopped the living room and hallway.  It was wonderful!!  He did this all by himself with no prompting or asking.  He also washed a load of towels and a load of sheets during the day.  He also put my clothes in the wash and helped me to hang them up last night.

He asked me "is your house smiling at you?"  Yes, Sam, it is.  He is one great kid!!

I am glad I didn't really compose that first post with all the complaining because even though life with a 12 year old might be a little stickier than life alone, life with a 12 year is filled with lots more blessings too!! :)

so, what do i do?

After posting about my official extended singleness and then about a battle with Envy recently, I decided to explore the topic a little more this week.  The thing is, I now know coveting is not good. But what about longing--a strong persistant desire?

It wasn't too long ago that I was void of all longings for marriage.
At about the age of 16 or 17, God convicted me of desiring marriage and
motherhood more than desiring Him.  I repented of this, and He simply
lifted the desire from my h
eart.  Early in my college years, I
struggled once with a friend getting engaged, and God just laid it out
for me:  He was a good God who gave good gifts.  Marriage was a gift;
singleness was a gift.  I should celebrate my own gift, and celebrate
with others when He gifts them with marriage.  This perspective helped
me handle all the future college engagements I would be exposed to. 

Like I have mentioned before, I have never truly dated.  In high school, I always assumed I'd get married in college--just like my mom and dad did.  But, college came and went without even a single date.  But, I didn't really notice.  I was content with serving the Lord and growing closer to Him.

So, for about ten years, I was content. 
No dating, no courting, no beaus, no worries.  I was happy learning and growing.  I enjoyed knowing more about the Bible and how to apply it to my life. I learned more about what praise, prayer, and servant leadership meant in practice.

But then . . . sometime within the past year . . . the desire to be a
wife and a mother returned.  And it came back strong!  In her book,
Carolyn compares the growing of this desire to an alarm clock that gets
louder with every beep.  Mine wasn't a soft beep that slowly grew into a louder beep; mine was the kind that has two bells on the side and suddenly blasts into the air out of seemingly no where.

So, what do I do with it? 

First, I acknowledge that it is there---that was actually a huge step for me. Then I must look at what this means.  It could mean that even the longings are sin--that I have taken back what I gave to God.  That I no longer acknowledge his Lordship in my life.  --OR-- It could be that since He is the one who gives desires that He is preparing me for something new.  Getting my heart ready for what is further along in this unknown path. --OR-- Maybe I am just at a point in the path where God is teaching me more about Him and His grace and is using these longings to do the teaching.

So, what can I do? 

I give it back to the One from which it came.  I am honest with Him about what I am feeling and experiencing.  I place my hope in Him alone.  I think there is a difference between desire and coveting.  After I prayed and asked Him to give me discernment about this new desire, as long as He doesn't say "amanda, this desire not from Me. My gift for you is singleness,"  I must guard against coveting but not squelsh the desire--a very fine line to walk.

You know, I'll be honest with ya, as long as the word I had from the Lord was "be single.  Serve me best right now by remaining unmarried." Life was easier.  No date = no worries because I knew God's best was for me to be single.  It wasn't rejection because no one found me attractive--it was obedience.  But, now, if things have changed and marriage is down the road . . . it is much easier to worry about what is wrong with me if no one pursues me.  Much easier to doubt God's soverginity and try to control things myself.

And, to be even more honest, it was easier to allow God to be God.  As long as the word I had from the Lord was to "be single" it was all good because "I" can do that.  "I" can control that.  I am thankful for His help in taking away the desires for ten years; I am thankful for His protection, guidance and grace these ten years.  But, really, it was much easier than where I am now because I didn't have to trust Him with a hope deferred--because there was nothing to hope for before. 

So, what do I do?

Well, I found an excellent book and read it.  In this book, Carolyn McCulley points single women to the Proverbs 31 woman.  Carolyn reminds us that we don't need to wait for a wedding day for our "real life" to begin.  We are to live life now.  She takes a look at each character trait of the Proverbs 31 woman and discusses how we, as single women, can cultivate that trait in our lives right now.  Excellent wisdom.  (I highly reccomend this book to all female members of the extended singleness club.)

Right now, at this moment,  God's will for me is to be single--and He knows why; He also knows whether this will ever change or not. 

So, what am I supposed to do?

I live my life enjoying Him, glorifing Him, and trusting Him that if it is His will one day I will be interrupted. 

sam answers some questions

Here is a little interview I gave my kid brother his first week here.  He has now been here almost a month and a half now.  However, I thought I'd let you hear some of his opinions on life in Taiwan.  Hopefully, now that I know how to do this . . . there will be a few more! :)

envy, jealousy, and covetousness

I first knew about the difference between jeaously and envy in seventh grade when we had a lesson on the difference in meaning between "I am jealous of you" and "I envy you." 

Jealous: afraid of losing something you already have--specifically affection or a position
Envy: wanting something you don't have.

The example our teacher used at the time was a girl and her boyfriend.  The girl who has no boyfriend and wants one is envious of girls who have one.  The girl who has a boyfriend and doesn't like other girls talking to him is full of jealousy.

However, after my last post, I found an article on crosswalk.com entitled Why Not Me? A Single Woman's Struggle with Envy.  The author, Carolyn McCulley, explains the difference between envy and covetousness.

I didn't know about this third one and how it is different until now.  And she is right.

I probably should have used the word covet in my post yesterday--not envy.  According to both her article and dictionary.com envy is longing with resentment towards the person who has what you desire, while coveting is longing for what someone else has.

When I first read this, I actually proudly thought "oh that is good.  I don't resent.  Longing without resentment is better than longing with resentment.  This is not so bad." 

Oh, how easily we can be deceived!  Good thing I kept reading.

Carolyn points out in her article that God deals with coveting what our neighbor has in the tenth commandmant. Basically, if you will recall with me, God tells His people "Thou shalt not covet."  We are not supposed to covet--"wish, long, or crave for (something, especially the property of another person)."  In other words, it is not "not so bad."  It is sin.

You know, it is easy for me to think that I am a "good girl" and for me to give off the image that I am a "good girl" to others.  I do what I am "supposed to." I respect my elders.  I don't do overtly "bad" things.  I do a pretty good job staying away of the "things of the flesh" listed in Galations 5:19-21: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation
in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, outbursts of
anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong
except those in your own little group, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin."  Those are bad things, obviously. 

But, trust me, I still struggle with sin.  If you are a careful reader (and click thru on scripture references) or if you have memorized this passage of scripture, you will know I left out two of the things in this list of "sinful nature" qualities: jealousy and envy.  God lists envy right next to "participation in demonic activities" and "drunken orgies." 

It is easy for me to allow the hot tears of longing to flow down my cheeks as I hold a friend's newborn.  They feel like they are justified tears, good, healthy tears.  But, really, in all honesty, they are sinful tears.  I am coveting what my neighbor has.  That is not good.  The Bible clearly tells us coveting is wrong.

But there is good news for me--and for others who struggle with longing for the things that others have been blessed with.  We do not have to live under the domain of our sinful nature.  Here is how Carolyn describes it in her article:

As the apostle Paul writes in Titus, we were once enslaved to sins like envy. But then
the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared! We were saved, not only from this miserable, sin-filled existence, but from the righteous wrath of God. And not only were we spared, we were made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. Heirs! We live as those who will one day inherit everything! So why do we resent when someone else receives some earthly trinket? (I am making an argument here, but I am not by extension calling marriage and family mere trinkets.)
Knowing this, we are then freed to love one another earnestly. We don’t have to covet, envy, and resent what happens to us in this life. We have been set free from these passions because we have been born again of imperishable seed.

Envy and coveteousness can and should be put away.  And, thankfully, I don't have to do it in Amanda's power.  Thankfully, my gracious God has given me his Holy Spirit to help me grow in spiritual maturity to become more like Him.

my new banner

Becky (aka Joyful Mother) helped me create my new blog banner.  She has a graphics website where she offers banners and other graphics as purchase wear.  Go check her out!

it happened again

I was surfing a few blogs.  I stumble across cool women about my age or a little younger.  I like what I see and read.  Then it happens. 

I glance at the bios--"wife and mother of three"--then Envy with her long, pointy nails and deep green eyes knocks on the door.  She wants to come in and set up residence in my heart. 

After the third or fourth blog by a young happy-wife-and-mother, I close all the tabs and wonder if I'll be able to find them again, but I know I can't stay on those sites any longer right now.  In fact, I put the laptop to sleep and question whether surfing for new blogs is a good idea at all if I am going to keep encountering blogs by women five years younger than me that are married with children.  How else can I keep Evny from knocking on the door? 

And, then, my heart turns to the only place where I can find refuge.  The one place that without a doubt I can receive solace.  "Oh Daddy-God, I need you." 

In the moments that follow my cry for help, I am reminded of something I read a few weeks ago in Caroyln McCulley's book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? (which at the moment is MIA, so I can't quote verbaitm).  She pointed out that my greatest need is a Savior.  And, since God has given me the gift of salvation, giving me a husband is a small task; moreover, I can trust Him so much and be so thankful that my greatest need of all--saving grace--has been taken care of.  After reminding me of this truth, He whispered to my heart of hearts "I am God and there is no other.  I am all-loving and all-powerful, all the time.  Trust me."

Ahh.  What a great God we have.  I am so thankful He interacts with us in a very real and personal way.  I am glad He is so very trustworthy.  I am eternally grateful for the free gift of salvation He has given to me.  He is a grace-filled God, and I am a grace-needing sinner.  Praise the Lord!  He is slow to anger and abounding in love.  Nothing is impossible for Him!

(oh, and if you are a young happy-wife-and-mother, please know i rejoice for--not resent--you, but that doesn't mean i still do not struggle with the green-eyed monster of envy when i visit your blog and read your bio.)